Lessons Learned in My Closet

This son of mine. He is attached to me. We are connected at all times it seems. Tethered.  This tether. It’s his lifeline. I am his lifeline. Our tether has shortened dramatically since his world was turned upside down by COVID-19. If I go outside to check the mail or step in the garage to get something out of the car and I don’t first tell him what I’m doing, his anxiety goes from 1 to 10. He begins to pace. If I get stopped by a neighbor or if I pause too long for any reason, panic will start to creep in. He will say, “where are you” over and over until he sees me again. If I leave the house without him, he will say “mom be back in a little bit” on repeat, literally, for as long as I’m away. The tether had gotten fairly long prior to March 2020. He didn’t really bat an eye if I left the house for a little while in the evening or on the weekend. I could leave with peace of mind, knowing he wasn’t upset or anxious. Now, when I’m away from him I feel a constant tug pulling me home. ...

If you only knew how your smile affects me, how much of my heart you hold in your hand. Because of you, I truly understand what it means to love unconditionally. You opened my eyes to the vulnerable, and you have fueled me with a passion to stand with anyone who needs support, to fight for those unable to fight for themselves, to speak up for others who cannot or will not speak up for themselves. Because of you, I hope to make a difference. I watch how you touch lives around you, how you show and spread this pure, unbridled love. I witness the power of love breaking down walls, and I recognize it because I am a direct recipient of that love. Your joy is infectious…your laughter contagious...your smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It is impossible to be around you without smiling. I used to be a people-pleaser. I never wanted to upset anyone or hurt their feelings. To avoid any chance of conflict, I never admitted when I disagreed with someone. You have...

In an autistic person, "stimming" refers to repetitive behaviors such as: • finger-flicking and/or hand-flapping • rocking the body back and forth while sitting or standing • looking at something sideways and/or watching an object spin • opening and closing doors or flicking switches • listening to the same song or noise over and over • repetition of saying/singing the same words/songs/scripts over and over again Stimming is not a meaningless behavior. Listening to autistic self-advocates, over and over, they've said that being able to stim helps them focus, helps them navigate their environment, and helps them feel better overall. If a person is stimming, it's to serve an internal need - a need for sensory stimulation, a need for emotional self-regulation, a need to express anything from frustration to joy, a need to just feel better. And by fulfilling that need, stimming helps autistic people to navigate our neurotypical world. Alex stims. A lot. He often repeats wo...

It is estimated that 1 in 59 American children are affected by autism. 1 in 59 is a powerful soundbite. It’s a startling statistic. That’s why it’s so important - so critical - to remember, when we quote the statistic or talk about autism - that each of those “ones” in 59 is a full, whole, wonderful, valuable person, filled with gifts and potential and talent. Our son, Alex, is a son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend. Alex catches and reflects light like a prism. Alex lives big and loves hard. Alex laughs a deep, hearty laugh with every part of his being. Alex finds his way into the hearts of and changes every single person he touches for the better. Alex loves without reservation and is more authentically himself than any other person I’ve ever encountered. Alex has a beautiful, rich, complex – and yes, different kind of mind. Alex is fully deserving of all of the respect, dignity, rights, assumptions of competence, potential, and worth afforded to any other human being. I...

I received a message today from a mom who has an autistic son the same age as Alex. Here’s part of what she said, “Please. Tell me what you do to make him so happy. How do you do it? How are you able to take him anywhere and everywhere and always have fun? I don’t get it. I feel like a failure. I’m a terrible mom. Seems we can hardly go anywhere. What do I do?” Let me first say a few things before I get to the heart of the matter. Alex IS a happy young man. There’s nothing I did to make him that way. Is it luck? A blessing? Genetics? Personality? All of the above? I don’t know. We are so incredibly fortunate to not have behavior struggles, but it isn’t because I did some magical “thing”. I’ve loved and cared for him the best way I’ve known how. That’s it. Just because he doesn’t struggle with aggressive or severe behavior doesn’t mean he doesn’t struggle. As a family, we have struggles. Just like every other family in the world. We selectively present the best versions of ourselves and...

Satan was on my shoulder this weekend. I'm ashamed to admit that he won yesterday. Something about this season has always brought out a lot of emotion in me. I suppose it has to do with the holidays, as well as celebrating milestones/birthdays. I don't know,...in ways it's gotten easier over the years and in other ways harder. Nonetheless, I let the evil one win and stayed in bed most of yesterday. Today, I was determined not to do that, but boy did I have to fight. I am thankful for a faithful and loving husband who knows when I need a day of burying myself under the covers; and I am thankful for a faithful, compassionate friend who encourages me, yet doesn't give me easy outs. We were late and more than a little discombobulated when we ran into church this morning, but we made it. Several times I thought about all the reasons it just wasn't going to happen today...shouldn't happen today...wasn't the right day...wasn't the right time...we would just sta...

I wrote these words and posted this video on November 10, 2011. "When spoken words won't easily flow through his lips, music transcends. Love translates. I know the power of connecting when words are few and far between. I cherish it. I bind it in my heart. Celebrate it. I adore the pure happiness in my little boy's heart and written across his face. Today, I won’t compare. I won’t count anything but the wins. I won’t take this for granted. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for choosing me to be Alex's "Mommy". He is the light of my life." Seven years ago today, Alex was just shy of his 8th birthday. Back then, many of our conversations revolved around safety. How can we keep him from running into traffic or walking away with a stranger or reaching up and touching the burners on the stove? Today, seven years later, he's just shy of turning 15 years old. 15. Now, our conversations revolve around the future. What will fulfill him? How can we ensure hi...