Saved by Suffering

TEN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

TEN YEARS of PET scans that are clean. TEN YEARS cancer free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eleven years ago, in the midst of a 3 year battle with cancer, Bryan underwent surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from his scapula. 

A tumor that was metastatic and considered a distant travel. A tumor that was heavily radiated 5 days a week for 8 weeks while chemo simultaneously circulated throughout his bloodstream. A tumor that was relentless and wouldn’t go away. 

Less than a week out from surgery, I knew something was terribly wrong. Bryan refused to believe there was a problem.

For 2 days, tears and cries and arguments filled our home. On the 3rd day, I gathered all the strength I could muster and physically forced Bryan into the car and through the doors at Highlands Oncology. 

Dr. Travis took a picture and video of Bryan’s incision, emailed it to Dr. Nicholas at UAMS, and within the hour Bryan was scheduled for surgery at 8 the next morning to re-open his wound. 

Bryan was furious with me. I was furious with him. We didn't speak until the next morning right before surgery. 

We were exhausted. Terrified. Angry. Confused.

We would soon learn and experience •  •  •  

• the tissue, muscles and tendons that were cut during surgery were unable to heal due to mega doses of radiation
• the entire wound area under the skin was infected
• the infection had traveled to the bone
• sepsis was a huge concern
• arm amputation was discussed as a worst-case scenario
• 10? 11? 12? {I've truly lost count} additional surgeries
• open wounds
• wound vacs
• 6 weeks of being confined to a hospital
• 6 weeks without seeing our children
• hearing Dr. Nicholas say, “we have to call in a plastic surgeon - we were unable to close the wound”
• skin grafts
• a muscle flap rotation
• 6 weeks of home health care
• giving medications through IVs at home
• learning to change dressings
• learning to empty drains 
• learning to chart fluids
• learning how to check for blood clots 
• learning how to feel for pockets of fluid 
• learning how to look for skin color changes
• learning to look for signs of infection multiple times each day

Day after day, I cried out for God to help us.

But He didn’t. Not that day. Not the next. Not the day after that. Not for many, many days.

His silence stunned me.

My trust in Him started to feel shaky. I kept picturing Him watching us suffer and choosing to do nothing. 

But in the end, God used suffering to save Bryan's life.

What we did not, could not see was that every single setback; 

day after day of facing new trials; 

delivery after delivery of bad news; 

physical and emotional pain that was unbearable; 

it was during this season - the absolute lowest point in our lives- that God was at work performing a miracle of healing in my husband’s body. 

It seemed to us that we had been abandoned. Forgotten. 

We almost gave up hope many times. 

We were out of prayers. 

Our fight was gone. 

We were begging God to show mercy on our family. 

During circumstances that stretched us to the end of ourselves, God’s perfect plan was unfolding. 

He knew things we didn’t know. He saw a bigger picture we couldn’t see. 

Every time Bryan went into surgery and more skin, more tissue, more muscle, more tendons were scraped away, that mountain of cancer was shrinking until eventually God removed it completely. 

His silence was part of the rescue.

We won’t always understand His plans. Sometimes life will look nothing like what we prayed and dreamed and hoped for. 

If I'm being honest, sometimes I struggle with wanting parts of my story to be different. Sometimes I wish I could rip out a few pages from the narrative.

But the whole of our story does matter.

I know it may be hard to believe that it’s possible for God to use your pain for a purpose if you’re still living through a bad story. But don’t give up hope.

God takes the hard things and uses them to showcase His mercy, grace and forgiveness. Our worst chapters can become God’s best miracles. 

Bryan is living proof.